Can't Win by Arguing

From Weekly I/O#115


Most arguments are not really about the argument, so most arguments can’t be won by arguing.

Book: Excellent Advice for Living

In Empathy or Solution, neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett shared that when our partner or friends are feeling something like anxiety or anger, the first thing that we have to do is to figure out what they want.

Sometimes what people want is a solution, but most of the time what they want is empathy. People want to feel heard, but they rarely want to feel preached at.

This principle also applies to arguments. People want to feel understood, regardless of whether their arguments contain hundreds of logical gaps or none whatsoever. Most arguments are not really about the argument, so most arguments can't be won by arguing.


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